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Brother are Tricksy - Meph, 3-05

Phookik Civil Rights - Meph, 3-05
Don't Die! - Bob, 2-05
Things That Go Orc in the Night - Bob, 2-05
I'm Being Eaten by a Doomasaurus - Il Papa, 2-05
Day and Night - Bob, 1-05
Doppleganger Tag - Bren, 1-05
How Not to Learn First Aid - Meph, 1-05
Ode to Lovely Ivy - Il Papa, 1-05
Proper Phookik Marching - Meph, 1-05

by Mephistophicles May 05

Let it be henceforth known that brothers are tricksy monstrous beasts who plot the evil and insidious downfall of their innocent and otherwise pure and perfect sisters! And they are chickens! Big furry chickens with extra toes!

Listen, oh ye Savvy Sympathizers to the Phookik Plight, to this tale of woe and whoa. The boys, thinking themselves clever, decided to flee town just in time for the merry merry month of May! Oh, they claimed they feared Ire, sure, but it was all a RUSE, a not so clever RUSE to endanger poor sweet Bob and My Humble Self. (more on that later).

All seemed well and fine, Bob and I having a wonderful time working hard for Rusty and the Inn, advertising, taking orders, serving food and drink, singing songs and running in small concentric circles as any good Phookik ought do on a regular basis. (It's good for the heart.) When suddenly, abruptly, immediately and repeatedly we were chased, beated, snagged, sniped, squashed, skinned, and generally abused by rampaging hordes of crazy green people!! The townspeople, bless their hearts, said that the greenies had horns, but I didn't see any. In any event, Horny or no, the green tide of destruction kept the PNE sisters in a state of utter fear and distraction for hours upon hours upon hours! Nowhere was safe! And it is all the fault of those no good dirty rotten pig stealing brothers....

Thank you thank you thank you to the helpful handy honorable and super citizens of Scarborough for their tremendous support and assistance in driving back the green menace. We SISTERS of the PNE thank you.


The boys will pay...



Phookik Civil Rights
an essay brought to you by the PNE

We of the Phookik Nation Emporium feel that it is the right of all Phookik, great and small, to be treated with fairness and equanimity by all persons as they would treat in such a manner a person of their own or similar race to that which they are regularly accustomed to. In fact this right does indeed extend to those beyond the scope of Phookik and includes specifically all persons great and small, who deserve rightly to be treated with fairness and equanimity by all persons as they would treat in such a manner a person of their own or similar race to that which they are regularly accustomed. It is with this belief that a Phookik or other personage is entitle to be judged in accordance with their personal character and not the wrongs of unrelated predecessors and precedents that we present to you this list of such sort of rights and rightliness behavior for all persons who feel they might like to read them.

We Feel All are Entitled:

1: To be judged according to their actions, deeds, shenanigans, and opinions independent of prejudices formed by the deeds, shenanigans, actions, and opinions of others similar in ear length.

2: To be regarded with more respect than that which appears on the dinner table, and not to be subjected to the ongoing implication that their nature is such that they are first class entree and second class citizenry.

3: For the law to apply as normal equally among all persons regardless of race, financial independence, durability in warfare, vocal talent, or accident of birth.

If you would like to show your support and agreement, contact your local PNE for a green ribbon.

Thank you and have an excellent day!
the PNE


Don't Die!
on the subject of greetings

Oracle is a clever and friendly Orc whom we all love and admire greatly. He is an excellent player of Doppleganger Tag, wears a very nice hat, and is an all around good guy - especially for an Orc! He was quick to teach us early on that the best way to greet someone of an evening was with "Don't Die!"

This saying, you see, is derived from a desire that your friends, family, and acquaintances not kick the bucket during the course of the night to come, and is terribly appropriate considering just how risky day-to-day life in Scarborough can be. But, what do you say in the morning? We asked Oracle this question and he again came through for the PNE with his answer, "Glad to See you Didn't Die!"

Armed with these friendly greeting materials, the Family was eager to go out into the town and make friends. Many quickly began to respond in kind to our "Don't Die!" and "Glad to See you Didn't Die!" but others shook their heads and seemed distressed by this. Eventually, it was explained to us that it is in fact a terribly rude thing we had been doing! Oracle had taught us a most excellent greeting... for Orcs! Anyone who wasn't an Orc had a chance of taking "Don't Die" as a statement rife with Irony - in other words, just as you tell someone to "Break a Leg!" when you in fact want them to do well, to the average Scarboroughisan "Don't Die!" sounds like you secretly want them to get snuffed in the night! Upon hearing this we quickly and immediately modified our greetings.

Now, in accord with local custom, we try to use "Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening" as much as we can. It's hard to understand a custom like saying "Good Morning!" What if it isn't? What if it's a dark, spooky, scary, dangerous, or sad morning? How then are we to make our salutations? Well, it is an ongoing process, and I'm sure we'll work it out some day.

In parting, we would like to wish you a heartfelt "Don't Die!" Please understand we mean it with the best of intentions.


Things That Go Orc in the Night
a tale of woe, by Bob

'Twas the night before morning
And all through the palace
Not a creature was stirring
With unspeakable malice

The family were nestled
All snug in their beds
Dreaming of happy things
Ears intact on their heads

The traps were all set
To keep us safe and sound
Just in case spooky things
Might be around

When into our home
There snuck a green fiend
Wielding small vials
And a mind-boggling scheme!

Without saying hi
He knocked us all out
With alchemy sleep gas
So we couldn't shout!

And when I awoke
In my not-so-safe bed
I was one ear short!

Thank heaven for Tadrin
My parts he repaired
And the Baron did say
Of it he'd take care.

Grass, he'd seen everything
Before being knocked
He knew our attacker
Was that one Orc named Scout!

Well there was much fuss and bother
Not much to tell
The guard talked to the Orcs
But no justice yet fell

See Scout had a story
He proved he's insane
And Killian decided
To let the orcs keep him chained

Scout's story was crazy
But 'twas all that he'd say
Our ears picked up signals
From the realms of the fae!

And trying to listen to us
Talk in our sleep
He'd found that we usually
Don't make a peep.

He thought we were hearing
Too much information
So he whacked off my ear
To remedy the situation

He thinks it's just fine
To lop off a person's ear
Any old time

Well he didn't get
What he said he was after
And I ended up dead
Which is no laughing matter!

So the orcs, they were given
One month to make sure
That wild crazy scout
Couldn't hurt us no more

But if they can't manage
To make him be nice
And keep us all safe
From his dangerous vice,

I think we can hang 'im!
Oh wouldn't that be fun?
And at least then all of this
Would finally be done.


I'm Being Eaten by a Doomasaurus
A song learned from some nice folks
at an excavation just outside of town,
performed by Il Papa

Oh I'm being eaten by a Doomasaurus,
A Doomasaurus
A Doomasaurus...
Oh I'm being eaten by a Doomasaurus,
And I don't like it.... ONE BIT!

Oh no,
He's nibblin my toe!

Oh gee,
He's up to my knee!

Oh my,
He's up to my thigh!

Oh fiddle,
He's up to my middle!!

Oh heck!
He's up to my neck!!

Oh Dread,
He's up to my......

(the end.)


Day and Night
A Safety Reminder

Day traps are for day time, night traps are for night time! Never ever set a night trap in the day time because then people who are supposed to be able to might walk in and go BLAM and that would be horrible and terrible and it even happened to me, and Il Papa too ~ you have to be careful with these sorts of things. Now sure if bad people want to walk into your house in the day time then you want them to go BLAM, but the point is not the number of traps, or the safety of the house, it's which ones you set! Cause if I'm not expecting a particular trap and it goes BLAM at me then I'm dead and kaput all because I wasn't looking for the right traps in the right places at the right times. As an extra safety measure, make the brother who put the traps there in the first place go in first, that way if he did something wrong, HE will go BLAM - that'll teach em.

Set a trap schedule!
Follow it!
Don't Die!

Thank you,


Doppleganger Tag

This is a GREAT game that we learned from a bunch a kids just a couple of weeks before we came to Scarborough to settle in. It's called Doppleganger Tag, and it's so much fun that all the kids were playing it! One person is "IT" and everybody else tries to remember to keep an eye on them. The person who's it has to sneak up on somebody, or chase them, or trick them so that he can touch the back of their neck and say "Doppleganger Tag, You're IT!" and then run away.

You can keep somebody from tagging you by putting your hands over the back of your neck if you want, but you can't leave your hands there all the time, or even for very long, because they would get bored.

Sometimes people don't want to play the game with you, and if you tag them and they wont tag anybody else then you have to bounce around them offering the back of your neck for them to tag until they give it back, because even being "IT" is better than the game getting stopped too soon. This game is so much fun that we had to make another rule for it, just to keep us from playing it ALL the time, and that rule is this: "Il Papa starts and stops the game." Only Il Papa can call the game on, and when he says its over, it's over! But not any sooner than that....

I guess Ogres have a variation of this game that they call "Food" but we don't like it very much so we wont play it.

Here's some good tips for being "IT!"

1: If you aren't fast, be sneaky, if you aren't sneaky, be fast!

2: Pretend to be doing something else besides trying to tag people, they'll eventually forget you are IT!

3: Tagging somebody who doesn't know they're playing is the easiest way to pass it on, but you run the risk of them not wanting to play and having to be "It" again so excercise care with this option.

4: Always have fun.


How Not to Learn First Aid

So not so very long ago, we were all sitting around hanging out with our brand new friend Happy. Happy is really nice and lots of fun, and she is around us a lot because she doesn't have any family of her own which is REALLY sad, and plus it's nice to have another Phookik around even if they aren't part of the family.

At some point in there, a fellow named Rustiq decided he felt like teaching Happy how to do first aid on somebody to make sure they're okay and get them healthy again. His buddy Schtuk wanted to help him. Their idea of a good lesson, though, was not very nice at ALL!!

First they knocked Tad over the head, then went about their business showing Happy how to deal with that sort of thing. They didn't even ask Tad, they just bonked him! It was terrible. Then when Bren went to get Tad away from those terrible people, they knocked HIM out too! And THEN they cut Tad open and he was lying there bleeding to death on the floor! It was horrible! But on they went like it was a normal lesson plan to do this sort of terrible thing. Well Bob went to help Bren and they bonked her on the head, and I was so upset, but they knocked me out too. I think eventually they even conked Happy! So there we were, all layin spread out all over the floor with lumps on our heads, and I guess everyone ELSE thought it was a fine and dandy joke.

But then Killian came, and when he woke me up from my enforced nap time, he was STILL yellin at those folks and tellin them to be nice. So it all worked out pretty well in the end, even counting the lumps on our heads. It's good to know we have friends, anyway!


Ode to Lovely Ivy
by Il Papa

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love the way sunshine sparkles on your hair
I love how the butterflies all gather there
I could just stare at you, my dear, for days.

In all the wide world, I never thought I'd see
Something so stunning that I jibber for hours
I love the pretty leaves, blossoms and flowers
You are the most beautiful wonderful tree.

Birds can be pretty, kittens are fine
Oodles of splendor can be found in nature
You can see pretty ladies any old time
But none with such truly splendiferous features
Ivy, my dear, to finish this rhyme
Oh how I love thee, you beautiful creature


Proper Phookik Marching

Safety first! That's always important. When traveling as a group, it's important that you keep an eye on everything at once. This can be tricky, but there IS a solution! Ye Olde Right Honorable Proper Phookik Marching Formation!

Marching correctly isn't that hard, it takes some practice, but even non-Phookik could probably manage it, and probably be a lot safer because of it! First, you form a line. This can be tricky, but the important thing to remember is that in a line, each person stands right in front of somebody, and right behind somebody else, except the first person in line, who is just standing in front of somebody, and the person in the back of the line, who is just standing behind somebody else. In order for it to be a proper line, you should have at least 3 people, but you can fudge it with 2 if you really want. The more people you have, the better the line!

Next, you march. That's walking, only it's called marching because we're doing it specially in a line! You don't have to worry about silly things like putting your feet down at the same time as everybody else - we aren't an army, we're just being safety conscious.

Now, somebody in the line has a flute or a whistle. This is very important, and no Phookik should be without a flute or whistle anyway, so it's usually not a problem finding somebody with one. Sometimes there's a debate about who gets to play the flute but usually it's pretty easily settled by Il Papa or agreeing to take turns.

The person with the flute blows on it - a quick Toot! every so often, and at the sound of the whistle, the person at the front of the line turns to the side and marches to the BACK of the line, keeping their eyes open as they go so. Once they're in the back of the line, the person with the flute toots it again, and the new person in front turns to the side and marches to the back of the line.

You do this all the way to wherever you're going, and in this manner you can keep an eye out in front of you and behind you all at the same time and without anybody having to walk backwards!

Try it out, stay safe, and Don't Die!

~Mephistophicles, Protocol Consultant


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